367 lines
20 KiB
Plaintext
367 lines
20 KiB
Plaintext
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==Phrack Magazine==
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Volume Five, Issue Forty-Five, File 19 of 28
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****************************************************************************
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[** NOTE: The following file is presented for informational and
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entertainment purposes only. Phrack Magazine takes NO
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responsibility for anyone who attempts the actions
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described within. **]
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****************************************************************************
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Screwing over your local McDonald's
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- Charlie X -
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INTRODUCTION
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Ok... everyone is familiar with the world's largest and fastest
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growing fast food chain, McDonald's. The founder, Ray "Crock", wanted an
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environment where families and friends could get food with friendly
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service at any time of the day... Boy, what a crock, at least now.
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To top everything off, McDonald's attacks decent food establishments
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by criticizing the food content... not like you'll find anything not
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genetically engineered in McDonald's food... Everyone must realize that
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McDonald's sucks, and you must do your part to put the fucking place out
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of commission...
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As far as I can tell, everyone in McDonald's is rude and has an
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attitude, from the management to the customer. They, as most
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restaurants do, firmly believe THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT. This is
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true even when the customer is an asshole with blind disregard for
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everyone and everything. This is where you come in... Here are a few
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things that you can do to put your local McDonald's in it's place...
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Recently in the news, a major group sited McDonald's as the most
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environmentally responsible establishment on the planet (note: this is
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even over green peace and Sally Struthers)... how the hell is this
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possible?
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SENIOR CITIZENS BENEFIT DAY/WEEK
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McDonald's is nice to senior citizens. Every McDonald's offers
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free or reduced price meals or drinks to Senior citizens... Now, all
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you have to do is attract them. For a minimal price, you can publish
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an ad in the local newspaper, or publish your own flier (can be
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cheaply made) which explains that a certain day/week, your local
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McDonald's will recognize senior citizens with free food, coffee,
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senior activities, you know... a big senior social. You may want to
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mention that other organizations will be there to speak and make the
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whole "event" decent... Now, if your McDonald's already offers
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free/reduced coffee, food, or sodas, this will definitely break them,
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and cause them to order much more supply, and could even cause them
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to run out of coffee or soda for the rest of the day... on the other
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hand, if they don't offer this, the mass crowd of old people asking
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for shit will certainly piss someone off... This has been tested, and
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as a result, a McDonald's had to close for a day to reorganize and
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reorder supplies, as well as "launch an investigation" about this
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Day, but they never turned up anything.
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GARBAGE CAN TRICKS
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Since McDonald's is usually a busy restaurant, the trash bags
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fill up quickly and must be changed frequently (but never are.) There
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are several things you can do to the trash cans. For starters, ask
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for hot or boiling water. If you don't want to attract attention by
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doing this, bring in your own really hot water... boil it, put it in
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a Styrofoam cup or a thermos... once in McDonald's, locate the filled
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trash can (should not be hard to find) and dump the hot water down
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the side. Not only will this melt the side of the bag, causing the
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trash to go everywhere, the person who takes out the garbage must
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pick up all the trash by hand and dump out the trash can with water
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in the bottom. This also soaks the trash, breaks up paper, and makes
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the whole experience quite unpleasant, but hilarious to watch.
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Another easy trick is to walk up to the trash can areas, take
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the trays sitting above the trash cans, and simply throw them in all
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the cans. This will either make the employee fish them out by hand,
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or will cause the restaurant to be short of several trays, which
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becomes quite annoying.
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FOOD TRICKS
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There are several things to do with the food. Since there is
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probably something wrong with it in the first place, you might want
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to simply make the problem bigger... Before you enter the restaurant,
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cut some of your hair, or hair off of a pet. When at your table,
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place the hair all over the inside of the burger. When the line at
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the counter is long, and everyone is busy, cut up to the front of the
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counter, and start complaining about your burger. Show EVERYONE the
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hair inside the burger. You will get another burger, and most likely,
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a lot of free shit so you will come back. You will also cause most
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everyone to leave, and people in the kitchen to get shit on by the
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manager.
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ON A BUSY DAY...
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Busy days are the best. Customers are in a hurry, so are the
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employees... everyone has a short fuse and usually do not pay
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attention to what you say, or get very pissed. Ask for real dumb
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shit... For example, "I'd like a 69 piece Chicken McNugget." The best
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thing to do is to order a simple cheeseburger, and screw it all up
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with special orders... For example, "I'd like a cheeseburger, with
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extra cheese, no mustard, extra catsup, extra onions, lettuce,
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tomato, a real little dab of mayo, and make it well done... oh wait,
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I don't want cheese anymore. Just put extra lettuce on it... [wait
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for them to send the order back to the kitchen]... then Oh, wait,
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sorry... I just want a BigMac." You can also say, "I'd like a medium
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Coke with just 4 pieces of ice in it." They will always do what you
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say... Keep in mind that special orders do not cost extra, so you can
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order a hamburger, ask for extra mustard, catsup, and somewhere in
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there, casually mention extra cheese... 9 times out of 10 this
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works... and you don't get charged. NOTE: if you hear a printer
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printing followed by 3 beeps somewhere in the kitchen, your grill
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order was printed, and will be made... so change it after you hear
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that.
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In some McDonald's, you will find the "Need A Penny - Take a
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Penny," Where people put in their loose change in case someone else
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is short some money... steal ALL the money in this. In one month, I
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made $42.71 from stealing the money from all the Need A Penny cups in
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my area... This is a good secondary income for lazy people.
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If you plan on a big order, start off by telling the person you
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just want a soda. After they give a total and get ready to take your
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money, add an item. Keep saying "That's it" and repeat this process
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until you have what you wanted, and have wasted several minutes. You
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can also have the cashier repeat your order as many times as you
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wish, also wasting time.
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THE INQUIRING CUSTOMER
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McDonald's managers pride themselves in knowing the answers,
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and employees like to pretend that they do. So, on a busy day, keep
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asking dumb questions... Here are a few to ask... Oh, never actually
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order anything... just hold up the line with your questions. Here are
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a few questions to ask:
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- "How is your meat prepared at the factory?"
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- "What part of the chicken does the McNugget come from?"
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- "Who was the BigMac named after?"
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- "What is the post-cooked weight of your quarter pounder?"
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- "Where does your <pick a vegetable> come from?"
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- "How fresh is your <McD product>?"
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- "What is the square root of 69.666?"
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- "What is the nutritional value of a 9 piece McNugget box?"
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DRIVE-THRU FUN
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McDonald's videos tell the employees that the Drive Thru makes
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up for more than 40% of the average McDonald's business. Simply put,
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this system needs a lot of work. The speakers rarely work, and you
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usually get your order screwed up. The first thing to do is to take
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your car and back over the cut square in the pavement right beside
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the order sign several times. This causes a loud annoying "bong" to
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be heard by everyone with a headset... eventually the manager will
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come out with a weapon, and this is where you leave.
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Another thing to do is to drive up, and say, "I just want a lot
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of butter..." or "I'd like a large penis to go please." Usually,
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people in the drive thru service will laugh or screw something up,
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and you will get yelled at by the manager... waaah.
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If you want free food, order something in the drive thru. Keep
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your window down to listen to other orders. After you receive your
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food, park and enter the restaurant. Go to the front of the line and
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tell the person on duty that your order was screwed up... it helps to
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remember what someone else's order was, and then you just ask for
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that... you will get it. Sometimes, you even get free food for having
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a screwed up order.
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This prank requires guts, but can be somewhat amusing. Simply drive
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up in front of the sign, turn your engine off, and go inside the restaurant
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and eat. There's always room to park in the drive-thru lane... You could also
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tell the drive-thru person that your car stalled, and you will have to call
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the motor club. This can put a drive-thru out of commission until you decide
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to move your car.
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If you happen across a McDonald's that is expecting deliveries, or has
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cleaned the parking lot, you will notice traffic cones. You can move these
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cones around the drive-thru sign. Some people are stupid and will drive thru
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them anyway, so you may want to place a sign saying "DRIVE THRU CLOSED -
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- SORRY - MANAGEMENT." You can also place a legitimate order at the drive thru
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and right after your order, you can put a sign on the drive-thru sign saying
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the same "closed" message. The drive thru sensor does not sense foot traffic,
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so you can walk up to the sign and put one there...
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The drive thru headsets can be a good source of amusement. When
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ordering, mumble your order, scream it real loud, or say it like the
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microphone is cutting out, for example, "I'd like to order a LARGE
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ibbit-obbt-ibbit-urger with no Sa... and extra <crackle> and I'd also
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like a Med<cut> Oke." When they ask you to repeat, do the exact same
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thing. Remember, that as soon as you drive up to the sign, they can
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hear everything in your car... even if they are not talking. As soon
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as they ask for your order, turn your stereo up real loud, and begin
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to say your order... this screws everything up... Also, ask for a
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hotdog, or an item that you know they don't have. If you have the
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guts, are really bored, and are not driving YOUR car, take them
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seriously when they say "please drive through." This would be the
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ultimate action, putting your local McDonald's out of business.
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If you have a simple shortwave transceiver, Ham Radio, or powerful
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handheld transceiver, you can talk to the entire drive-thru crew.
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The antenna is located above the cashier in the drive-thru box and has
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a receiving radius of the entire store and about half of the parking lot.
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You can add stuff to peoples orders, or just screw around. Drive thru
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people have noticed that illegally powerful CB radios, side band radios
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and even some car phones can be picked up with the headsets. Be innovative
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and use these to piss the employees off. If you do not have access to one,
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simply hide behind the sign, and shout extra food or obscenities at
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the sign...
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GREASE DISPOSAL FUN
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This next trick involves little or no intelligence, or imagination,
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but seems to get people every time. Behind McDonald's, usually found next
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to trash cans or the empty soda-syrup containers, you will find a large
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drum marked "not-fit for human consumption" or "inedible contents."
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Although these warnings belong in the food, they mark the grease vat. This
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is tightly sealed for a reason... it smells like dead human. They are also
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easy to open. Usually, you can loosen the ring around the top and open
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the lid. Be sure to cover your face when you do this... it does smell like
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shit... The nice thing about this is that the smell will cover the entire
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parking-lot area in roughly 10 minutes. Chemically, the smell will cause
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nausea, and definitely a loss in appetite. People will get sick everywhere,
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and definitely cause a loss of customers at McDonald's...
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A simple addition to the previous trick would be to tip the can. The
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grease will probably have hardened, but on a warm day or if the black
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can is left in the sun, it will leave a sticky, raunchy mess in the
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parking lot that will be impossible to clean up, and will stink infinitely.
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This is a way to make the trick more damaging and longer lasting.
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DUMPSTER FUN
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McDonald's, or any fast food restaurant usually has a high volume of
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garbage output (not including the food). If you can travel around and
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find large objects, you can dispose of them in the trash containers. If
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you clog them up, not only will the store have to pay for an extra
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collection of trash (to remove what you put in there), They'll have to pay
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extra for later (or earlier) you do it, as well as what kind of objects
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you put in there. You can also put the empty silver soda containers, bread
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racks, or even signs and loose McDonald's shit in the trash. They won't
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appreciate the loss, and it's gonna cost them money at both ends. Lame
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but definitely effective.
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PHONE ORDER PHUN
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One thing that is not very well known is that McDonald's accepts phone
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orders. This is a simple process. A serious, adult sounding voice can call
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a local McDonald's and claim that they have a large order that they would like
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ready for pickup. You supply a BS phone number, a BS name, and a BS order. The
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larger it is the better. Usually give about a half an hour to an hour notice
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to have the order ready. Good reasons for the orders are usually family get-
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togethers, meetings at local universities, etc. The university excuses are much
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better, because you can supply a college phone number (found in the phone book)
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and if they call (the usually don't) to verify the order, they will get the
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office, and will think it's legitimate. This prank is a beauty because after
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the manager takes the order, it is given directly to the kitchen, who begins the
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order. Again, they very rarely verify the orders, so it is easy to pull these
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off. To make this prank better, you should throw in mass quantities of food
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items that people NEVER eat -- Filet O' "Fish", Fajitas, etc... You can also
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call them back at the time of pickup, and say "sorry, we decided to eat at
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burger king..." DO NOT enter the restaurant and ask to buy the items at a
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cheaper price, like the old pizza man trick... that's just lame.
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COMPUTER PHUN
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A nice thing about McDonald's is that it is linked via computer (and modem)
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to OakBrook, Illinois. Check your local phone book for a McDonald's with 2 lines.
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The second line is usually the computer line. You may also try Information.
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If you aren't able to get the number, read these next 3 parts...
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- McDonald's are listed by Restaurant number in the phonebook. You can
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retrieve the number, then call the restaurant, asking for the manager.
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When the manager identifies himself, with his name, you write the
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name down, and tell him to get bent or something. With that information,
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you can call McDonald's 800 number, or any McDonald's Corporation HQ number
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in OakBrook, Illinois (they will relay your call). You say you haven't
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been receiving updates or any purchase orders, you identify yourself,
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and your store number, and location (city, state...). They will check
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the listings, and read off the phone number of the computer. If they
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won't give it to you, they will allow you to change the computer number,
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where you give them your enemies phone number or something, and they
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will get called by modem repeatedly...
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- Call your local McDonald's, identify yourself as Bill Haggan of Computer
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Services, McDonald's, Oakbrook... etc. Say you are updating your records,
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and need the computer telephone number. Get the number, then give them
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a bullshit verification number.
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- This is not very imaginative, but it works... it's also risky... wooooo.
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Find the phone box, open the user service box, connect any phone with an
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RJ-11 adaptor to the box and type your local ANI number (211, 811-9967)
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etc... do that for each line that enters the restaurant. Then reconnect
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it... you have the numbers.
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Now that you have the numbers, there is a lot you can do. It is not wise to
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enter the computer. Although goodies are buried there, any changes you make are
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corrected that night with a verification call. It is also verified voice.
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However, everything in the restaurant is connected to the computer. Once you
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call the number, and connect to the computer, just sit there. The computer
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freezes all time clocks, order programs, etc. Every display will be marked
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"BUSY." This prevents anyone from punching in or out, the manager from checking
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labor, printing schedules, do inquiries about anything... basically interrupt
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most managerial and owner duties. If you find a constant busy signal, this
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is very easy to correct. Simply ask for an operator interrupt. If the operator
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breaks in, the beep will hang up the modem, allowing you to call right in.
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This prank does have profound effects on the McDonald's. It is highly
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recommended.
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FREE SHIT AT McDonald's
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Yes, I do mean shit... If you are involved in that fucking money crunch
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like everyone else, and you feel that your money should be spent on better
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things, rather than shitty food, here are a few pointers for free food.
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These have all been tested. If you are caught in the act of getting free
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food, nothing will happen, and it will be a big source of amusement...
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Cheeseburger - On a busy drive-thru day, you can ask for a special order.
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Ask for a hamburger with an extra item, like mustard or
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something, and casually sneak in "extra cheese." If the
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employees are stupid enough (a given), and the grill doesn't
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question it, you will find yourself with a nice fresh
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cheeseburger for the price of a hamburger... whoopee...
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Any Item - The BEST thing to do is order something in the drivethru,
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and then come in the restaurant with the bag from drive
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thru and say "You forgot ..." If you ask the employees at
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the counter, 9 times out of 10, you will get it... To be
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on the safe side, you may want to go home, call the
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McDonald's, say you went through the drive thru and you
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didn't get your food item. You can give a bullshit name
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or whatever, usually they don't even take the name, and
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the next time you go in, you say you called, and you will
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get gift certificates or free food... works every time.
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BASTARDIZING FOOD ITEMS
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If you want to attract a certain degree of attention to yourself, and
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make employees and customers laugh, when you order food, fuck up the names
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to say something cool... You'll still get the food you don't want, and this
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too is a source of amusement. Spur-of-the-moment name bastardizations are
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by far the funniest, but here are a few suggestions...
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SHMEGMA MAC, SHMEGMA SACK - instead of Mega Mac (shmegma is Dick Cheese)
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CHICKEN McFUCKUPS - Chicken McNuggets (be sure to ask for the 69 piece)
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McDICKEN - McChicken (ask for extra Mayo and smile...)
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CHOKE - Coke (I'd like a small choke with no ice)
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McRIBBED FOR HER PLEASURE - McRib... Do they still make this?
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FAGINA - Fajita (I'd like a FAGINA with extra cheese...)
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IMPORTANT
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Remember that McDonald's slogan is Food, Folks, and Fun...
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Just take the "fun" part to the limit... You sort of have to compensate
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for the asshole "folks" and the shit "food."
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If you get bored, start molesting kids on the
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playland or just break shit... throwing salt shakers (plastic or
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glass) at the outside wall of the McDonald's is fun too... take
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advantage of whatever there is in McDonald's... there are infinite
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possibilities to create your local McDonald's an utter McHell. Don't
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consider it illegal (most of it isn't...) consider it more of a
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public service. Yeah... That's it.
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