 
                              ==Phrack Magazine==

                 Volume Five, Issue Forty-Five, File 19 of 28

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[** NOTE:  The following file is presented for informational and
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                     Screwing over your local McDonald's
                                - Charlie X -

INTRODUCTION

     Ok... everyone is familiar with the world's largest and fastest
growing fast food chain, McDonald's. The founder, Ray "Crock", wanted an
environment where families and friends could get food with friendly
service at any time of the day... Boy, what a crock, at least now.

    To top everything off, McDonald's attacks decent food establishments
by criticizing the food content... not like you'll find anything not
genetically engineered in McDonald's food... Everyone must realize that
McDonald's sucks, and you must do your part to put the fucking place out
of commission...

     As far as I can tell, everyone in McDonald's is rude and has an
attitude, from the management to the customer. They, as most
restaurants do, firmly believe THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT. This is
true even when the customer is an asshole with blind disregard for
everyone and everything. This is where you come in... Here are a few
things that you can do to put your local McDonald's in it's place...

     Recently in the news, a major group sited McDonald's as the most
environmentally responsible establishment on the planet (note: this is
even over green peace and Sally Struthers)... how the hell is this
possible?

SENIOR CITIZENS BENEFIT DAY/WEEK

     McDonald's is nice to senior citizens. Every McDonald's offers
free or reduced price meals or drinks to Senior citizens... Now, all
you have to do is attract them. For a minimal price, you can publish
an ad in the local newspaper, or publish your own flier (can be
cheaply made) which explains that a certain day/week, your local
McDonald's will recognize senior citizens with free food, coffee,
senior activities, you know... a big senior social. You may want to
mention that other organizations will be there to speak and make the
whole "event" decent... Now, if your McDonald's already offers
free/reduced coffee, food, or sodas, this will definitely break them,
and cause them to order much more supply, and could even cause them
to run out of coffee or soda for the rest of the day... on the other
hand, if they don't offer this, the mass crowd of old people asking
for shit will certainly piss someone off... This has been tested, and
as a result, a McDonald's had to close for a day to reorganize and
reorder supplies, as well as "launch an investigation" about this
Day, but they never turned up anything.

GARBAGE CAN TRICKS

     Since McDonald's is usually a busy restaurant, the trash bags
fill up quickly and must be changed frequently (but never are.) There
are several things you can do to the trash cans. For starters, ask
for hot or boiling water. If you don't want to attract attention by
doing this, bring in your own really hot water... boil it, put it in
a Styrofoam cup or a thermos... once in McDonald's, locate the filled
trash can (should not be hard to find) and dump the hot water down
the side. Not only will this melt the side of the bag, causing the
trash to go everywhere, the person who takes out the garbage must
pick up all the trash by hand and dump out the trash can with water
in the bottom. This also soaks the trash, breaks up paper, and makes
the whole experience quite unpleasant, but hilarious to watch.

     Another easy trick is to walk up to the trash can areas, take
the trays sitting above the trash cans, and simply throw them in all
the cans. This will either make the employee fish them out by hand,
or will cause the restaurant to be short of several trays, which
becomes quite annoying.

FOOD TRICKS

     There are several things to do with the food. Since there is
probably something wrong with it in the first place, you might want
to simply make the problem bigger... Before you enter the restaurant,
cut some of your hair, or hair off of a pet. When at your table,
place the hair all over the inside of the burger. When the line at
the counter is long, and everyone is busy, cut up to the front of the
counter, and start complaining about your burger. Show EVERYONE the
hair inside the burger. You will get another burger, and most likely,
a lot of free shit so you will come back. You will also cause most
everyone to leave, and people in the kitchen to get shit on by the
manager.

ON A BUSY DAY...

     Busy days are the best. Customers are in a hurry, so are the
employees... everyone has a short fuse and usually do not pay
attention to what you say, or get very pissed. Ask for real dumb
shit... For example, "I'd like a 69 piece Chicken McNugget." The best
thing to do is to order a simple cheeseburger, and screw it all up
with special orders... For example, "I'd like a cheeseburger, with
extra cheese, no mustard, extra catsup, extra onions, lettuce,
tomato, a real little dab of mayo, and make it well done... oh wait,
I don't want cheese anymore. Just put extra lettuce on it... [wait
for them to send the order back to the kitchen]... then Oh, wait,
sorry... I just want a BigMac." You can also say, "I'd like a medium
Coke with just 4 pieces of ice in it." They will always do what you
say... Keep in mind that special orders do not cost extra, so you can
order a hamburger, ask for extra mustard, catsup, and somewhere in
there, casually mention extra cheese... 9 times out of 10 this
works... and you don't get charged. NOTE: if you hear a printer
printing followed by 3 beeps somewhere in the kitchen, your grill
order was printed, and will be made... so change it after you hear
that.

     In some McDonald's, you will find the "Need A Penny - Take a
Penny," Where people put in their loose change in case someone else
is short some money... steal ALL the money in this. In one month, I
made $42.71 from stealing the money from all the Need A Penny cups in
my area... This is a good secondary income for lazy people.

     If you plan on a big order, start off by telling the person you
just want a soda. After they give a total and get ready to take your
money, add an item. Keep saying "That's it" and repeat this process
until you have what you wanted, and have wasted several minutes. You
can also have the cashier repeat your order as many times as you
wish, also wasting time.


THE INQUIRING CUSTOMER

     McDonald's managers pride themselves in knowing the answers,
and employees like to pretend that they do. So, on a busy day, keep
asking dumb questions... Here are a few to ask... Oh, never actually
order anything... just hold up the line with your questions. Here are
a few questions to ask:

     - "How is your meat prepared at the factory?"
     - "What part of the chicken does the McNugget come from?"
     - "Who was the BigMac named after?"
     - "What is the post-cooked weight of your quarter pounder?"
     - "Where does your <pick a vegetable> come from?"
     - "How fresh is your <McD product>?"
     - "What is the square root of 69.666?"
     - "What is the nutritional value of a 9 piece McNugget box?"

DRIVE-THRU FUN

     McDonald's videos tell the employees that the Drive Thru makes
up for more than 40% of the average McDonald's business. Simply put,
this system needs a lot of work. The speakers rarely work, and you
usually get your order screwed up. The first thing to do is to take
your car and back over the cut square in the pavement right beside
the order sign several times. This causes a loud annoying "bong" to
be heard by everyone with a headset... eventually the manager will
come out with a weapon, and this is where you leave.

     Another thing to do is to drive up, and say, "I just want a lot
of butter..." or "I'd like a large penis to go please." Usually,
people in the drive thru service will laugh or screw something up,
and you will get yelled at by the manager... waaah.

     If you want free food, order something in the drive thru. Keep
your window down to listen to other orders. After you receive your
food, park and enter the restaurant. Go to the front of the line and
tell the person on duty that your order was screwed up... it helps to
remember what someone else's order was, and then you just ask for
that... you will get it. Sometimes, you even get free food for having
a screwed up order.

     This prank requires guts, but can be somewhat amusing. Simply drive
up in front of the sign, turn your engine off, and go inside the restaurant
and eat. There's always room to park in the drive-thru lane... You could also
tell the drive-thru person that your car stalled, and you will have to call
the motor club. This can put a drive-thru out of commission until you decide
to move your car.

     If you happen across a McDonald's that is expecting deliveries, or has
cleaned the parking lot, you will notice traffic cones. You can move these
cones around the drive-thru sign. Some people are stupid and will drive thru
them anyway, so you may want to place a sign saying "DRIVE THRU CLOSED -
- SORRY - MANAGEMENT." You can also place a legitimate order at the drive thru
and right after your order, you can put a sign on the drive-thru sign saying
the same "closed" message. The drive thru sensor does not sense foot traffic,
so you can walk up to the sign and put one there...

     The drive thru headsets can be a good source of amusement. When
ordering, mumble your order, scream it real loud, or say it like the
microphone is cutting out, for example, "I'd like to order a LARGE
ibbit-obbt-ibbit-urger with no Sa... and extra <crackle> and I'd also
like a Med<cut> Oke." When they ask you to repeat, do the exact same
thing. Remember, that as soon as you drive up to the sign, they can
hear everything in your car... even if they are not talking. As soon
as they ask for your order, turn your stereo up real loud, and begin
to say your order... this screws everything up... Also, ask for a
hotdog, or an item that you know they don't have. If you have the
guts, are really bored, and are not driving YOUR car, take them
seriously when they say "please drive through." This would be the
ultimate action, putting your local McDonald's out of business.

    If you have a simple shortwave transceiver, Ham Radio, or powerful
handheld transceiver, you can talk to the entire drive-thru crew.
The antenna is located above the cashier in the drive-thru box and has
a receiving radius of the entire store and about half of the parking lot.
You can add stuff to peoples orders, or just screw around. Drive thru
people have noticed that illegally powerful CB radios, side band radios
and even some car phones can be picked up with the headsets. Be innovative
and use these to piss the employees off. If you do not have access to one,
simply hide behind the sign, and shout extra food or obscenities at
the sign...

GREASE DISPOSAL FUN

     This next trick involves little or no intelligence, or imagination,
but seems to get people every time. Behind McDonald's, usually found next
to trash cans or the empty soda-syrup containers, you will find a large
drum marked "not-fit for human consumption" or "inedible contents."
Although these warnings belong in the food, they mark the grease vat. This
is tightly sealed for a reason... it smells like dead human. They are also
easy to open. Usually, you can loosen the ring around the top and open
the lid. Be sure to cover your face when you do this... it does smell like
shit... The nice thing about this is that the smell will cover the entire
parking-lot area in roughly 10 minutes. Chemically, the smell will cause
nausea, and definitely a loss in appetite. People will get sick everywhere,
and definitely cause a loss of customers at McDonald's...

     A simple addition to the previous trick would be to tip the can. The
grease will probably have hardened, but on a warm day or if the black
can is left in the sun, it will leave a sticky, raunchy mess in the
parking lot that will be impossible to clean up, and will stink infinitely.
This is a way to make the trick more damaging and longer lasting.

DUMPSTER FUN

     McDonald's, or any fast food restaurant usually has a high volume of
garbage output (not including the food). If you can travel around and
find large objects, you can dispose of them in the trash containers. If
you clog them up, not only will the store have to pay for an extra
collection of trash (to remove what you put in there), They'll have to pay
extra for later (or earlier) you do it, as well as what kind of objects
you put in there. You can also put the empty silver soda containers, bread
racks, or even signs and loose McDonald's shit in the trash. They won't
appreciate the loss, and it's gonna cost them money at both ends. Lame
but definitely effective.

PHONE ORDER PHUN

     One thing that is not very well known is that McDonald's accepts phone
orders. This is a simple process. A serious, adult sounding voice can call
a local McDonald's and claim that they have a large order that they would like
ready for pickup. You supply a BS phone number, a BS name, and a BS order. The
larger it is the better. Usually give about a half an hour to an hour notice
to have the order ready. Good reasons for the orders are usually family get-
togethers, meetings at local universities, etc. The university excuses are much
better, because you can supply a college phone number (found in the phone book)
and if they call (the usually don't) to verify the order, they will get the
office, and will think it's legitimate. This prank is a beauty because after
the manager takes the order, it is given directly to the kitchen, who begins the
order. Again, they very rarely verify the orders, so it is easy to pull these
off. To make this prank better, you should throw in mass quantities of food
items that people NEVER eat -- Filet O' "Fish", Fajitas, etc... You can also
call them back at the time of pickup, and say "sorry, we decided to eat at
burger king..." DO NOT enter the restaurant and ask to buy the items at a
cheaper price, like the old pizza man trick... that's just lame.

COMPUTER PHUN

     A nice thing about McDonald's is that it is linked via computer (and modem)
to OakBrook, Illinois. Check your local phone book for a McDonald's with 2 lines.
The second line is usually the computer line. You may also try Information.
If you aren't able to get the number, read these next 3 parts...

     - McDonald's are listed by Restaurant number in the phonebook. You can
       retrieve the number, then call the restaurant, asking for the manager.
       When the manager identifies himself, with his name, you write the
       name down, and tell him to get bent or something.  With that information,
       you can call McDonald's 800 number, or any McDonald's Corporation HQ number
       in OakBrook, Illinois (they will relay your call). You say you haven't
       been receiving updates or any purchase orders, you identify yourself,
       and your store number, and location (city, state...). They will check
       the listings, and read off the phone number of the computer. If they
       won't give it to you, they will allow you to change the computer number,
       where you give them your enemies phone number or something, and they
       will get called by modem repeatedly...
     - Call your local McDonald's, identify yourself as Bill Haggan of Computer
       Services, McDonald's, Oakbrook... etc. Say you are updating your records,
       and need the computer telephone number. Get the number, then give them
       a bullshit verification number.
     - This is not very imaginative, but it works... it's also risky... wooooo.
       Find the phone box, open the user service box, connect any phone with an
       RJ-11 adaptor to the box and type your local ANI number (211, 811-9967)
       etc... do that for each line that enters the restaurant. Then reconnect
       it... you have the numbers.

     Now that you have the numbers, there is a lot you can do. It is not wise to
enter the computer. Although goodies are buried there, any changes you make are
corrected that night with a verification call. It is also verified voice.
However, everything in the restaurant is connected to the computer. Once you
call the number, and connect to the computer, just sit there. The computer
freezes all time clocks, order programs, etc. Every display will be marked
"BUSY." This prevents anyone from punching in or out, the manager from checking
labor, printing schedules, do inquiries about anything... basically interrupt
most managerial and owner duties. If you find a constant busy signal, this
is very easy to correct. Simply ask for an operator interrupt. If the operator
breaks in, the beep will hang up the modem, allowing you to call right in.
This prank does have profound effects on the McDonald's. It is highly
recommended.

FREE SHIT AT McDonald's

     Yes, I do mean shit... If you are involved in that fucking money crunch
like everyone else, and you feel that your money should be spent on better
things, rather than shitty food, here are a few pointers for free food.
These have all been tested. If you are caught in the act of getting free
food, nothing will happen, and it will be a big source of amusement...

Cheeseburger -  On a busy drive-thru day, you can ask for a special order.
  Ask for a hamburger with an extra item, like mustard or
                something, and casually sneak in "extra cheese." If the
  employees are stupid enough (a given), and the grill doesn't
  question it, you will find yourself with a nice fresh
  cheeseburger for the price of a hamburger... whoopee...
Any Item -      The BEST thing to do is order something in the drivethru,
  and then come in the restaurant with the bag from drive
                thru and say "You forgot ..." If you ask the employees at
  the counter, 9 times out of 10, you will get it... To be
  on the safe side, you may want to go home, call the
                McDonald's, say you went through the drive thru and you
  didn't get your food item. You can give a bullshit name
   or whatever, usually they don't even take the name, and
  the next time you go in, you say you called, and you will
  get gift certificates or free food... works every time.

BASTARDIZING FOOD ITEMS

     If you want to attract a certain degree of attention to yourself, and
make employees and customers laugh, when you order food, fuck up the names
to say something cool... You'll still get the food you don't want, and this
too is a source of amusement. Spur-of-the-moment name bastardizations are
by far the funniest, but here are a few suggestions...

SHMEGMA MAC, SHMEGMA SACK - instead of Mega Mac (shmegma is Dick Cheese)
CHICKEN McFUCKUPS - Chicken McNuggets (be sure to ask for the 69 piece)
McDICKEN - McChicken (ask for extra Mayo and smile...)
CHOKE - Coke (I'd like a small choke with no ice)
McRIBBED FOR HER PLEASURE - McRib... Do they still make this?
FAGINA - Fajita (I'd like a FAGINA with extra cheese...)

IMPORTANT

     Remember that McDonald's slogan is Food, Folks, and Fun...
Just take the "fun" part to the limit... You sort of have to compensate
for the asshole "folks" and the shit "food."

     If you get bored, start molesting kids on the
playland or just break shit... throwing salt shakers (plastic or
glass) at the outside wall of the McDonald's is fun too... take
advantage of whatever there is in McDonald's... there are infinite
possibilities to create your local McDonald's an utter McHell. Don't
consider it illegal (most of it isn't...) consider it more of a
public service. Yeah... That's it.
